We’re sorry, OK?
Sorry that we stitched you up, and yes, you are right, we are the “Worst kind of Tabloid”
But you really want us to apologise in FULL for what we have done? – OK, here goes…
We have a long history you know – long before we were a Tabloid we were on that difficult side of the establishment that supported Herr Hitler – indeed our owner counted him as his personal hero…right up until 1939. But perhaps this now looks too obvious a channel of criticism given that it is historic and it would have been very different if Hitler had been a paedophile, (slobber, sweat, stamp, shout) instead of just loving children.
More recently our agenda has included publishing material reflecting how we regard people like you, the celebrity class, as fodder…or rather, annoying fair game, but only a small part of our racist, misanthropic, misogynistic, hypocritical, deceit-laden, fear-playing, message distorting, Dacre-“soul” reflecting, daily output.
For this daily behaviour we apologise, unreservedly.
Knowing full well that the judgemental god we are taught to believe in by our, King of the Hypocrites, Group CEO, has already condemned every last one of our editors to eternal damnation. He always called them “cunts” and they have long endeavoured to live up to this demeaning curse.
You, of course, represent the worst kind of celebrity as far as we are concerned – an intelligent, left leaning liberal, trying to make the world a “better place” (Yuk!) – and what’s worse, someone with considerable power over the female readership we are trying hard to turn into self-hating consumption machines. You may make people sit up and take notice of our shameful behaviour towards humanity. This is why we had to try and undermine you by whatever methods suited our canon.
For this we are genuinely and deeply sorry. We feared that it may actually affect the only goal of our management:- profits, but it seems that the public are possibly even more stupid than our past, lower, sales figures suggest, so perhaps this was a needless worry.
So we are really sorry
that we can’t discover that you are a paedophile.
Really, really, sorry, and we hope you accept this fuller apology and leave the country soon,
Hahaaaaaa – of course not, it will just raise sales again!
do your worst, we are unaccountable and you can Hack off,
you liberal twat!
oops – Ed.