Beyond Bankers’ bluff lies the bleeding obvious.

“Bankers have to be paid well to ensure that the talent is retained in this country”,
“Bonus levels are decided by the boards who have the customers best interests at heart”,
“The Free market has to be allowed to rule for these free market experts to work”.
Such are the answers given by City types when bankers bonuses are called into question.

If you actually talk to bankers about why they appear to desire these bonuses that could save a hundred thousands starving children’s lives or buy them a fleet of small yachts, you can reach the core truth about what the annual bonus round is all about…
It’s about this:-

how bankers think

lay it on the table guys


They don’t need the money, they don’t really even “Want” the money, they already have so much that they don’t know what to do with it. No, the bonus amounts being made “public” (within the banking fraternity) is important, because that is the point, the publicity battles between their little elite group. This group of men who every now and then need to gather around a board room table, unzip their tailored suit trousers and place their dicks on the table so they can measure up against the next man, mentally each licking each other’s.
In this metaphorical version, the biggest bonus and wage earners have the biggest dicks and all the others have to know it and know they have been beaten. It’s no more complicated than Premiership managers measuring their success with League championships and European cups.

So, if we all agree that this is not going to be stopped by the competing dicks themselves, or the politicians making some simple but market interfering rule, how can we end this farce that spits spunk in the face of the starving?

My suggestion is that we need to publicise the working month of every one of these bankers, the often called for transparency, but with a twist. We need to see what decisions they make, what time they spend sorting out any problem, when they go to the toilet, how many Lattes they get through, what great skills they learned in the exclusive world of banking, what level of experience of same is necessary in order to make banks the slightly less than average failures they have all been over the past five years…everything!

Then, when we have acquired all this knowledge, we train up the unemployed graduates, from the various thousands that are out there, with these skills. Let them compete and pass a test based on tricky challenges brought from real life examples where bankers made good and bad decisions – then, just like Eddie Murphy in Trading Places – allow these young graduates to take the places of all the bankers who flee the country due to bonuses becoming exactly what the word suggests – only paid out for exceptionally good performance.
Are they gone yet?

They do keep threatening to leave, so I say, give them the bus fare, and publicise exactly what that bus fare is, just like they do with the bonuses. “Bye bye and thanks for wasting all our fish”.
The graduates can all be trained within a 3 year post graduate course that includes key placements in the banks, and the net cost of doing this with a big enough bunch to change the world may reach as much as half the lowest bonus paid to a bank C.E.O. this past year.

What’s wrong with this picture?
The bankers have such unique talents you say? Really?
They are the ones who know how to manage things in a crisis, Really?
…and what have we just been/are we now, going through?
I used to think that all the adults running the country, when I was in my twenties, kind of knew what they were doing, had things under control…
Bitter experience of life has meant that the enlightenment I went through in my mid forties was that, “OH SHIT!” moment, the one when I realised that, not just a few but 90% of the people “running” the world, were no more competent than I was.
Man, that was frightening.
We need not be frightened as much as that however. There are a few with calm heads that do, by muddling through, keep the world from blowing itself up… but they are not the major banks’ CEOs – these guys’ bluffs need to be called.

The next season when its time to lay their dicks on the table, they need to see the size of a literal chopper that says, “This boy’s room game is over! From now on bankers, just like other people, get paid for what they do.”

I commend this proposal to the house.

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