The Guardian has kindly suggested some readers’ questions that do not focus entirely on, the corruptly appointed peer, Lord Ashcroft’s lovely biographical allegations of his student exploits as an over-privileged twat undertaking silly rituals.
So in that spirit, perhaps we can imagine his replies…
“Can the prime minister please explain…”
- While some people can take drugs and write it off as being “young and reckless”, what would you say to the thousands of other people who will end up with criminal records for doing the same? (Richard, via Facebook)
“Well Richard, I’m glad you asked me that question, and that you are clearly someone who has moved from being young and reckless to being someone capable of understanding adult matters. The adult position is that all politicians become hypocrites once they attain power – it’s the only way the powers that be (MI5 etc) allow us to keep the job at all, OK?”
- Why is inviting a foreign power such as China to build nuclear reactors in the UK not a threat to our security? (Alex, via Twitter)
“Thank you so much for the smart question Alek, but I must say, you appear to be suffering under some major misapprehension here. “Threats to our security” actually means only one thing, “Threats to rich people’s money” – as such we are very happy to work with torturing regimes that makes us richer, such as Saudi Arabia, and never decline other moneyed people’s rights to invest in our country – whether it means a few thousand plebs are killed or not”
- Did David Cameron know of Lord Ashcroft’s non-dom status – and if so, when did he find out? (Robin)
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that question, next!”
- Is this government still keeping up the pretence of being the “greenest government ever” or will it now be honest about being intent on expunging all the “green crap” from public policy? (Tony, via Facebook)
“Well Tony, you have been doing your research, haven’t you, and I can only say that the “Green crap” comment was a joke, that I never said… really, because no one was listening, and I wasn’t there, I wasn’t even born when that happened.
We will continue to be the Greenest government ever, as promised, I think you’ll find that the Green deal and other facts, real facts mind you, support this notion because the previous Labour government destroyed much of Iraq, so, you know…greener than them and all the previous ones, Hahahaaaa”
- Are Iain Duncan Smith and the Department for Work and Pensions going to be investigated after the recent revelations that a coroner proved that a claimant’s death was directly linked to being assessed as fit to work? (Rachel, via Facebook)
“I take this seriously… I take this very seriously indeed. Iain was an excellent quiet party leader and has been an excellent
tortureI mean deprive the plebs, I mean money grabbing back, I mean – secretary, I mean excellent secretary. next question?” Are you ashamed about listening to Supertramp? (Andrew, via Facebook)
“Now you really have gone too far. Supertramp are bloody excellent! OK!, they pump me up!
and any MI5 agent will tell you that this is not any more a matter for ridicule than sticking my todger in that smelly pig’s mouth”
(PMQs drowned by a chorus of oink noises here)