From boys to men …who don’t rape

I campaign mostly now for fellow victims of false accusations – but I also want to prevent rape, so…

who gets to be a perpetrator and who a victim?

The government has a strange way of tackling the issue of rape.
It tries to punish, but is so super keen to answer a desperate clamour for “more convictions” that it wildly flails out and ends up punishing the innocent.
It also employs some good people who try to get the young educated – but then kowtows to those who say meaningful sex and relationship education is a bad idea.

People do need to understand, before taking on the topic of rape and serious sexual assault, that there are some seriously lethal women’s organisations out there trying to bolster a fraudulent industry of women as only victims and permanently avoiding responsibility for wrecking innocent men’s lives.
– but – there needs to be some huge effort made, by men and women, and responsibility taken for teaching young men how to behave in ways that mean, eventually… rape is reduced to a history lesson topic.

Best way to do that? (Only way?)
Education, education, education…
and more particularly education about relationships and power.

hanging heads –

It is hard being a teenage boy – as hormones begin to drive you full pelt into a crazy mix of fears, curiosities and desires. I do remember it, but not that well anymore. I don’t pretend to have the perfect formula for making sure that those complex drives do not become harmful to anyone, but I am pretty sure that, left unaided, a lot of teenage boys persist in having dangerously bad ideas about the nature of women and what sex is all about, right into legal adulthood… and worse still, this creates a latent tendency to express frustration at a perceived lack of power by trying to dominate others,
whether this is bullying the smaller kid, or sexually abusing a cousin.

Psychologists have frequently made it clear – rape is always a crime of domination that comes with varying degrees of humiliation and/or physical and mental harm. It is not really a question of men “having natural sex drives and needing an outlet”, though there is of course the issue of “perverting the perception of the sex drive” – so that rape can seem like something one is almost expected to do…

One of the worst things the major middle eastern Religions have achieved over the centuries is making young men believe that masturbation (which can more than harmlessly relieve any built up sexual urges) should be proscribed, in favour of having sex with women.
Sex education can start right there with, “Wanking is good and healthy”.
Moving on, it can then go to, sex with other people is not something you do with strangers. (Objecting Grindr fans can go screw themselves).
But first – stop feeling guilty about masturbation whilst alone of an evening, and it feels good, so don’t stop doing it because someone told you it was wrong.

It’s not hard to see that confused and guilt-tripped feelings about this whole area of human interaction are a big contributing factor to what is a horrendous societal mess facing most westernised countries. The Feminist lobby are right now trying to make out that the masses of failed alleged rape cases in the UK is some fresh crisis, but the figures show that actual rapes are, and have been, running at a steady (and yes, unwelcome) figure, annually, for at least twenty years. The crisis that is most recent is one largely of their making – that of encouraging thousands of false reports of rape as part of an industry whereby women can become saintly victims without necessarily having had anything illegal happen to them at all.

So we have a battle to face down the myths, and create any allies among the politicised women of the world, in helping all young boys become men who would never dream of raping anyone –
(*even if enlisted in an invading army*.)

It will require a lot of work from men and women – work with boys in schools and clubs, families and any other gathered settings – work showing how men and women relate – how they can deal with confrontation, disagreement, different perceptions of the same situation, how we cope with desires when they are not straightforwardly shared. And let’s not get fixated on this simplistic notion of “consent”.

The assumption that sexual interactions are made up of male sexual predators and reluctant female permission granters/deniers is a farcical one. Aside from the complexities of same sex relationships that immediately make a mockery of that notion, the average short term sexual encounter, (that we might have called a one night stand, in my day), involves hopefully conversation yes, but a lot of non verbal signs and use of body language to signal desire. There is rarely that nice quiet and appropriate moment when either party might say, “Can I touch you?”

“The only thing one can do with a virgin like that darling, is pounce”

In fact, looking back to my own teenage years, thanks to societal conditioning, I spent a long time believing that women were never really attracted to men, and even if they possibly were, could not possibly be attracted to me. Only to discover that I had been missing the obvious signals of such desire due to these wrong ideas I had absorbed.

I could have done with some liberating sex education! – never got it, other than from my, belated, first girlfriends. So let’s get some of that, “what young men and women feel about themselves and each other” into seminars in place of “birds and bees” ideas about the biology.

And it can include talk about straight, gay, bi, trans people, a good long look at homosexuality – and its equally long history, including in the animal kingdom, (just to kick the rigidity out the homophobes) It doesn’t have to make any assumptions about where in the broad spectrum of sexuality each pupil sits at that time – just be as inclusive as possible – so that any individual who has been having trouble and hiding their reality can go home and feel – “hey – I am included – I am normal!”

We need schools to be much cleverer with educating people about sexuality, gender, identity and myths about sex, and to Hell with those bigot parents trying to block any such education when the result of abdication on this issue is the all too common violence experienced by LGBT people – especially trans people, who are disproportionately on the receiving end of beatings and murder from people who manifest that uneducated fear of “the sexual other”…

being beaten up for being Gay makes your education ban never OK.

Something has to start working… to get the figures for all sexual violence, rape, and misunderstandings of what rape is, down to the minimum possible. I will forever champion proper education – and decry the idea that arresting and charging more men, including the current outrageous number of falsely accused innocents, is in any way helpful.
Maybe we all need some educative help to grow the fuck up.

(* rape as a weapon of war is one of the more horrifically base tribal traits that echoes many behaviours in the animal kingdom where dominance has a genetic imperative and conquering other tribes or groups for that purpose is an horrific but well understood process)

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